1: Maíam Iím going to have to stop you right there because the Rialto bridge is actually closed off at the moment
2: Why, what are they doing to it?
1: Camerawork. I guess you could say it's a biopic, theyíre still deciding whether to call it An Elegant Way Out or switch the An for a The. All about a precocious female gondolier called Giorgia Boscolo who must somehow reconcile her passion for the familiar ripple of the Grand Canal's raw sewage with her waning mental health after this erotic experience with a busy restauranteur who looks like her father...
2: So I can't come through?
1: ...think Girl Interrupted meets Don't Look Now meets The Last Crusade meets the Thing you walked in on your teenage son watching meets the Thing he tried to change it to when you opened the door. Itís all based on a searing true story of waterborne chauvinism and oars and stuff. Rumour has it Joan Rivers was to cameo at one point as Boscoloís nymphomaniac mother, the sad thing is they were still deciding whether or not to make her a nymphomaniac when she died. Rivers, that is, not Boscolo.
2: That would never have worked anyway with matters like nudity clauses et cetera.
1: Rumour has it a mask designed by Riversí own cosmetic surgeon in the US will be shipped this week and stuck on a different unnamed actresses face cast at the last minute for the more, shall we say, off-colour scenes. Itís funny, some people say "fluffers" donít exist but others insist they can have a real impact on production outcome.
2: I think most most would agree they are underpaid for what they do.
1: Rumour has it over in hair and makeup that Rivers had a rare psychosomatic condition which meant she was, like, violently sick whenever she saw a stiletto and thatís how she stayed in shape. May she rest in peace, but what a total nightmare, this guy said over lunch yesterday. Said he saw her ghost once, Riversí, and sheíd gained maybe 30 pounds..
2: I donít want to be rude but Iím meant to be meeting my hus-
1: ...I canít help thinking itís a tragedy Boscolo was unavailable to play herself, still, rumour has it she's crazy busy patenting a line of miniature gondolas for girls which function as rocking chairs. Words like gondolini are being thrown around, itís all very hush-hush. Do you want me to point you in the direction of some cicchetti thatíll change your life? Put it this way, if you turned up in 35 minutes you could be pulling the tiny wings off, like, 4 marinated quail within the hour.
2: ThatsÖwell thatís very prettily put but I really have to-
1: Yí know I was thinking there seem to be more girls around than ever, in my day an abundance of boys meant a war coming. But an outbreak of girls, who knows what that means, something worse perhaps....
With special thanks to Brigid Marlin, Jill from Crystal Plus Lighting, Mary McLean, Jesse Wine, John Henshaw and Glen Pudvine.